we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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