It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
