And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
