sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
