"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
