I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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