dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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