my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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