friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
