Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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