grandma shit on top of the toilet
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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