Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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