I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
