I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
