a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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