I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
