mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
