Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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