if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
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