wanna go halves on a baby?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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