Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
