i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
