I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
