Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
