totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
