Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
