there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
