Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
