cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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