I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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