Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
