I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
