I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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