im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
