the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Someone signed my nipple.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
