hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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