I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
