She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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