I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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