Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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