If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
