we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
