My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
