I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
