Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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