so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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