my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
