tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
