just tell him i said nine months
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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