i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
