Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
